Malaware Pro

[Maya]

MALAWARE PRO!
Issue 1

Alexis Malaware
Welcome to Cabellas how may I help you?

Customer
Y-yeah! I want guns. Lots of them!"

Alexis blinked as she noticed the two people holding up the man because he couldn't stay up on his own two feet by himself. Shades covered his eyes in a bad attempt to hide how drunk he was while the smell of alcohol traveled from his breath up to Alexis' nostrils causing her to winkle her nose in disgust.

Alexis Malaware
I'm sorry sir I won't be able to sell you anything.

Customer
Why the fuck not!?

Alexis Malaware
Guess.

[Sazan]

LOL!

I started a trend it seems.

[Miracle]

It's funny 'cause it true.

[Dianne]

That was pretty funny.

[Maya]

MALAWARE PRO!
Issue 2

After a hard day's work Alexis returned home to her apartment looking to relax until she heard the most horrible abomination known to mankind!

Zira Firestone
"It's Friday, Friday! Gotta get down on Friday. Everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend!"

Alexis' eyes narrowed down on her roommate as she knew this injustice to music fans everywhere could not go unpunished. Zira had to be made an example of so trolls everywhere would know not to fuck around with this song. A grin appeared on Alexis' face as she knew exactly what to do.

---------------------------

Alexis stuffed a body bag into the trunk of her car and locked it up before she moved to the driver's seat.

Neighbor
Hey Alexis, where you headed?

Alexis Malaware
The lake.

[Maya]

MALAWARE PRO!
Issue 3

Alexis was behind the gun counter at her job when the work phone ringed and she was the first one to answer it.

Alexis Malaware
This is Cabellas how may I help you?

SWAT Team
Yes this is the SWAT team, we require information about a semi-automatic pistol you sold with a laser pointer.

Alexis Malaware
...one moment please.

Alexis held a hand over the receiver and looked over to her co-worker.

Alexis Malaware
It's for you.

[Maya]

MALAWARE PRO!
Issue 4

Nostalgia Moment!



A young Alexis Malaware eyes widened as she sat down in front of her TV set with a SNES controller in hand.

Alexis Malaware
"AWESOME!"

Alexis found herself totally sucked into the amazing 16-bit graphics of the SNES and awesome gameplay that this video game had to offer her, not to mention Kefka's laugh was the greatest thing she ever heard.

Alexis Malaware
"SWEET!"

Alexis continued to play, putting everything else on hold as she battled the forces of evil as Terra "fucking" Branford, which she named after herself, while crushing on Locke. Needless to say she was having a blast!

Alexis Malaware
"I can't wait until Final Fantasy IV!"

3 years later



Alexis Malaware
"What happened to four, five and six!?"

[Maya]

MALAWARE PRO!
Issue 5

Alexis Malaware
"All you have to do now is fill out this form, sir."

The man looked over the form and filled it out before giving it back to Alexis. Upon looking the paper over Alexis realized that on the question "are you in the country illegally?" he circled yes. Amazed at this Alexis held the form up to his face and pointed at this answer.

Alexis Malaware
"Sir, you do realize you just admitted to being in the country illegally, correct?"

The man looked at his answer, then to Alexis and back to his answer before he spun around and made a run for it.

Alexis Malaware
"I'll take that as a yes."

[Maya]

MALAWARE PRO!
Issue 6

Alexis laid on top of her man and ran a finger across his cheek, leaning down to kiss him until the door flew open and Zira stepped into the room with a hand over her eyes.

Zira Firestone
"Sorry! I can't see anything! Just need to borrow an extra condom. Have fun you two, thank you, goodbye!"

Zira took the extra condom of her boyfriend's and quickly left the room. Annoyed, Alexis looked back to her boyfriend.

Alexis Malaware
"You need to get your own place."

[Aries]

He does.

[Maya]

MALAWARE PRO!
Issue 7

Alexis Malaware
"Hey, did you bring the laptop like I asked?"

Co-Worker
"Yes, though I don't know what you could need it for."

Alexis Malaware
"Just some things I need to get done during my break."

Co-Worker
"Well if it's you then it must be important."

The Co-Worker handed Alexis his laptop and walked off. Once she was all alone Alexis opened up the laptop and then brought up a website she visits regularly.

Alexis Malaware
"Now I'll send my memo on Who The Boss and nobody will ever suspect me as the boss because they'll think I'm busy working. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

[Sazan]

You are a most worthy adversary.

[The Blind Assassin]

MALAWARE PRO!
Issue 8

Alexis Malaware
"Hey mom and dad, guess what? I've converted to Islam!"

Suddenly Alexis found herself thrown out of the house with nothing but the clothes on her back as the door slammed shut behind her.

Alexis Malaware
"Was it something I said?"

[The Blind Assassin]

MALAWARE PRO!
Issue 9

Nostalgia Moment!

The Little Mermaid
I don't know when
I don't know how
But I know something's starting right now
Watch and you'll see
Some day I'll be
Part of your world


A young Alexis Malaware stared at the screen in a trance, falling in love with the Mermaid inside of it.

Alexis Malaware
"I want to be just like Ariel!"

Later during dinner.

Mr. Malaware
"Alexis, what are you doing with your fork?"

Alexis Malaware
"It's a dingle hopper, dad!"