Post by Ayen on Dec 8, 2011 8:26:31 GMT -6
Dead on Arrival Presents
A ToriJ Parody
Lord Beelzebub and Shai stood on top of a hill looking down at the ruins of Aircano.
As they spoke a young, beautiful aqua-haired female appeared behind them with a bright smile on her face.
With a look of displeasure on her otherwise happy features Luca Valentine vanished into thin air.
Meanwhile in Crystal City.
Later in the desert regions of Jherrazad.
Solid Snake returned to his box and continued on while Miracle started to make something out in the distance.
Lord Beelzebub appeared before Miracle in human form.
Beelzebub began to cough.
Miracle then passed out from starvation and dehydration. She would awaken in a long dark tunnel, her eyes being lured by a bright white light at the end of the tunnel. Happy, the High Priestess got up to her feet and ran towards the light until she arrived at the pearly gates where Jesus Christ awaited his people.
Miracle waited an hour but there was no sign of Jesus. She waited two hours and there was still no sign of Jesus. By the third hour Miracle sat down on the heavenly floors outside the gates and waited. Four hours in Miracle was starting to pace back and forth. By the fifth and sixth hour she began to look worried as she tried to get a glimpse behind the gates. By the seventh and eighth hour she knew he wasn't coming back.
Miracle returned to the dark tunnel and saw a distant flame that spoke to her.
Miracle ran towards the distant flame only to find out that it was the gateway to hell and it sucked her in, binding her up with chains that held her down in the lake of fire.
Then Lord Beelzebub appeared.
At the conclusion of her rant the hell dimension faded away and they were back in the desert where two angels appeared before them.
A ToriJ Parody
Lord Beelzebub
I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides what you see I have confidence in me!
DOA ABRIDGED!
Episode Three
Child Abuse
I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides what you see I have confidence in me!
DOA ABRIDGED!
Episode Three
Child Abuse
Lord Beelzebub and Shai stood on top of a hill looking down at the ruins of Aircano.
Lord Beelzebub
Wow a lot changes when you're imprisoned for thousands of years.
Shai
Master, what was this world like back in your day?
Lord Beelzebub
Well for starters soda was only 25 cents.
Wow a lot changes when you're imprisoned for thousands of years.
Shai
Master, what was this world like back in your day?
Lord Beelzebub
Well for starters soda was only 25 cents.
As they spoke a young, beautiful aqua-haired female appeared behind them with a bright smile on her face.
Luca Valentine
Hello! I am Luca Valentine and not at all Maricul in disguise.
Lord Beelzebub
I'm Lord Beelzebub: PRINCE OF DARKNESS!
Shai
I'm Shai and I'll become completely irrelevant after this scene.
Luca Valentine
That's nice would you like some tea and crackers?
Lord Beelzebub
No thanks we can't stay long. You work for Maricul correct?
Luca Valentine
Yes, yes.
Lord Beelzebub
Can you give her a message for me?
Luca Valentine
Yes?
Lord Beelzebub
Tell her to stop masturbating with a crucifix.
Luca Valentine
W-what?
Lord Beelzebub
We all saw The Exorcist, it's an old demonic joke that isn't funny anymore and she needs to give it a rest.
Luca Valentine
Well I think that the masturbation with the crucifix represents the highest defiance against---
Lord Beelzebub
Just stop it.
Luca Valentine
Okay I'll pass the message along.
Hello! I am Luca Valentine and not at all Maricul in disguise.
Lord Beelzebub
I'm Lord Beelzebub: PRINCE OF DARKNESS!
Shai
I'm Shai and I'll become completely irrelevant after this scene.
Luca Valentine
That's nice would you like some tea and crackers?
Lord Beelzebub
No thanks we can't stay long. You work for Maricul correct?
Luca Valentine
Yes, yes.
Lord Beelzebub
Can you give her a message for me?
Luca Valentine
Yes?
Lord Beelzebub
Tell her to stop masturbating with a crucifix.
Luca Valentine
W-what?
Lord Beelzebub
We all saw The Exorcist, it's an old demonic joke that isn't funny anymore and she needs to give it a rest.
Luca Valentine
Well I think that the masturbation with the crucifix represents the highest defiance against---
Lord Beelzebub
Just stop it.
Luca Valentine
Okay I'll pass the message along.
With a look of displeasure on her otherwise happy features Luca Valentine vanished into thin air.
Lord Beelzebub
Nice lady.
Shai
Master, that was clearly Maricul in disguise!
Lord Beelzebub
You're saying that Maricul and Luca has some kind of connection?
Shai
What? No I'm saying they're the same person.
Lord Beelzebub
Maricul and Luca...
Shai
Yes!
Lord Beelzebub
Has a relationship with each other?
Shai
No!
Lord Beelzebub
Sisters?
Shai
No.
Lord Beelzebub
Lesbians?
Shai
No.
Lord Beelzebub
Kissing cousins?
Shai
Oh my god!
Lord Beelzebub
Hey you already burned that bridge, pal!
Nice lady.
Shai
Master, that was clearly Maricul in disguise!
Lord Beelzebub
You're saying that Maricul and Luca has some kind of connection?
Shai
What? No I'm saying they're the same person.
Lord Beelzebub
Maricul and Luca...
Shai
Yes!
Lord Beelzebub
Has a relationship with each other?
Shai
No!
Lord Beelzebub
Sisters?
Shai
No.
Lord Beelzebub
Lesbians?
Shai
No.
Lord Beelzebub
Kissing cousins?
Shai
Oh my god!
Lord Beelzebub
Hey you already burned that bridge, pal!
Meanwhile in Crystal City.
Aircano Elders
Miracle, we have disturbing news that Lord Beelzebub has risen!
Miracle
Oh no!
Aircano Elders
You must embark on one final quest into the desert regions of Jherrazad to face him.
Miracle
All right. I'll assemble a team and grab my stuff.
Aircano Elders
No, Miracle. You must go alone.
Miracle
Okay... Then I'll just go grab my stuff...
Aircano Elders
No, Miracle.
Miracle
Oh come on!
Aircano Elders
You must go alone and take nothing with you for 40 days and 40 nights.
Miracle
Okay let me get this straight you want me to go into the desert alone.
Aircano Elders
Yes.
Miracle
For 40 days and 40 nights with no food or water.
Aircano Elders
Yes.
Miracle
To take on a god, with no weapons.
Aircano Elders
Yes.
Miracle
A god who has the power to create any demon he wishes for any purpose he wishes.
Aircano Elders
Yes.
Miracle
You guys are assholes.
Miracle, we have disturbing news that Lord Beelzebub has risen!
Miracle
Oh no!
Aircano Elders
You must embark on one final quest into the desert regions of Jherrazad to face him.
Miracle
All right. I'll assemble a team and grab my stuff.
Aircano Elders
No, Miracle. You must go alone.
Miracle
Okay... Then I'll just go grab my stuff...
Aircano Elders
No, Miracle.
Miracle
Oh come on!
Aircano Elders
You must go alone and take nothing with you for 40 days and 40 nights.
Miracle
Okay let me get this straight you want me to go into the desert alone.
Aircano Elders
Yes.
Miracle
For 40 days and 40 nights with no food or water.
Aircano Elders
Yes.
Miracle
To take on a god, with no weapons.
Aircano Elders
Yes.
Miracle
A god who has the power to create any demon he wishes for any purpose he wishes.
Aircano Elders
Yes.
Miracle
You guys are assholes.
Later in the desert regions of Jherrazad.
Miracle
Why do I keep agreeing to this stuff? Oh, hi, Snake.
Solid Snake
Hi, Miracle.
Why do I keep agreeing to this stuff? Oh, hi, Snake.
Solid Snake
Hi, Miracle.
Solid Snake returned to his box and continued on while Miracle started to make something out in the distance.
The Serpent
In the name of Kane!
Demons
Kane lives in death!
The Serpent
In the name of Kane!
Demons
Kane lives in death!
The Serpent
In the name of Kane!
Demons
Kane lives in death---!
Lord Beelzebub
Kane lives!
In the name of Kane!
Demons
Kane lives in death!
The Serpent
In the name of Kane!
Demons
Kane lives in death!
The Serpent
In the name of Kane!
Demons
Kane lives in death---!
Lord Beelzebub
Kane lives!
Lord Beelzebub appeared before Miracle in human form.
Miracle
Ah shit!
Lord Beelzebub
Rule of thumb, Hassan. You can't kill the Messiah.
Miracle
Who's Hassan?
Lord Beelzebub
To all who follow me, I vow that the streets will flow red with the blood of GDI---!
Ah shit!
Lord Beelzebub
Rule of thumb, Hassan. You can't kill the Messiah.
Miracle
Who's Hassan?
Lord Beelzebub
To all who follow me, I vow that the streets will flow red with the blood of GDI---!
Beelzebub began to cough.
Lord Beelzebub
I've swallowed a tonsil. Why are you laughing? Call an ambulance!
Miracle
I'm not laughing.
Lord Beelzebub
I didn't steal the Nod rings!
Miracle
What are you talking about?
Lord Beelzebub
I went to steal the Nod rings but somebody stole the Nod rings! But it wasn't me, I swear.
Miracle
Okay...
Lord Beelzebub
My children, today we take a giant step closer in our evolution. A sentence which doesn't make sense.
Miracle
Well I'm glad we can finally agree on something---! Oh! So weak!
I've swallowed a tonsil. Why are you laughing? Call an ambulance!
Miracle
I'm not laughing.
Lord Beelzebub
I didn't steal the Nod rings!
Miracle
What are you talking about?
Lord Beelzebub
I went to steal the Nod rings but somebody stole the Nod rings! But it wasn't me, I swear.
Miracle
Okay...
Lord Beelzebub
My children, today we take a giant step closer in our evolution. A sentence which doesn't make sense.
Miracle
Well I'm glad we can finally agree on something---! Oh! So weak!
Miracle then passed out from starvation and dehydration. She would awaken in a long dark tunnel, her eyes being lured by a bright white light at the end of the tunnel. Happy, the High Priestess got up to her feet and ran towards the light until she arrived at the pearly gates where Jesus Christ awaited his people.
Miracle
JESUS!
Jesus Christ
Don't use my name in--- Oh. Hi there.
Miracle
I've dreamed of this day for years. The day I would finally get to meet you. Did you see me, Jesus? Did you see all the wonderful things I did in your name?
Jesus Christ
Yeah... I saw...
Miracle
I drew this picture of you and me on my way to the desert. See?
Jesus Christ
Oh yeah, that's very nice.
Miracle
You really think so? Oh, Jesus. I can't wait to learn more about you.
Jesus Christ
You too, kiddo. I'm just going to go and set up for you. I'll be right back.
Miracle
I'll be right here!
JESUS!
Jesus Christ
Don't use my name in--- Oh. Hi there.
Miracle
I've dreamed of this day for years. The day I would finally get to meet you. Did you see me, Jesus? Did you see all the wonderful things I did in your name?
Jesus Christ
Yeah... I saw...
Miracle
I drew this picture of you and me on my way to the desert. See?
Jesus Christ
Oh yeah, that's very nice.
Miracle
You really think so? Oh, Jesus. I can't wait to learn more about you.
Jesus Christ
You too, kiddo. I'm just going to go and set up for you. I'll be right back.
Miracle
I'll be right here!
Miracle waited an hour but there was no sign of Jesus. She waited two hours and there was still no sign of Jesus. By the third hour Miracle sat down on the heavenly floors outside the gates and waited. Four hours in Miracle was starting to pace back and forth. By the fifth and sixth hour she began to look worried as she tried to get a glimpse behind the gates. By the seventh and eighth hour she knew he wasn't coming back.
Miracle
That bastard stood me up! Damn him anyway. I'm a celebrity, there's plenty of places for me to go after death. Like Vegas.
That bastard stood me up! Damn him anyway. I'm a celebrity, there's plenty of places for me to go after death. Like Vegas.
Miracle returned to the dark tunnel and saw a distant flame that spoke to her.
Mysterious Flame
Hey, hey, Miracle! Come over here we have a room for you.
Miracle
Uh... no thanks. I'm good.
Mysterious Flame
We have candy.
Miracle
N-no thank you.
Mysterious Flame
We have video games.
Miracle
I'm not really much of a gamer.
Mysterious Flame
We have Elton John.
Miracle
Elton John? Oh boy!
Hey, hey, Miracle! Come over here we have a room for you.
Miracle
Uh... no thanks. I'm good.
Mysterious Flame
We have candy.
Miracle
N-no thank you.
Mysterious Flame
We have video games.
Miracle
I'm not really much of a gamer.
Mysterious Flame
We have Elton John.
Miracle
Elton John? Oh boy!
Miracle ran towards the distant flame only to find out that it was the gateway to hell and it sucked her in, binding her up with chains that held her down in the lake of fire.
Miracle
Dammit!
Dammit!
Then Lord Beelzebub appeared.
Miracle
Not you again.
Lord Beelzebub
I control the world with my mind!
Miracle
No you don't.
Lord Beelzebub
Join the Brotherhood of Nod. Together we can---
Miracle
Oh my god, shut the fuck up! Isn't it enough that I'm burning in hell? Do I really have to listen to your bullshit!? I've already had to watch my city be destroyed, run away from Aper going supernova, deal with my people being ignorant and bigoted, rebuild my entire nation from scratch with nothing but crystallized ice, go out into the desert alone with no equipment and then get stood up by Jesus so you know what? I don't give a flying fuck about you, your demons or your stupid Brotherhood, do you understand me!?
Not you again.
Lord Beelzebub
I control the world with my mind!
Miracle
No you don't.
Lord Beelzebub
Join the Brotherhood of Nod. Together we can---
Miracle
Oh my god, shut the fuck up! Isn't it enough that I'm burning in hell? Do I really have to listen to your bullshit!? I've already had to watch my city be destroyed, run away from Aper going supernova, deal with my people being ignorant and bigoted, rebuild my entire nation from scratch with nothing but crystallized ice, go out into the desert alone with no equipment and then get stood up by Jesus so you know what? I don't give a flying fuck about you, your demons or your stupid Brotherhood, do you understand me!?
At the conclusion of her rant the hell dimension faded away and they were back in the desert where two angels appeared before them.
Angel #1
Congratulations! You passed the test!
Miracle
What?
Angel #2
Yes it was all just a test of your faith and you passed with flying colors.
Miracle
What the hell!?
Angel #1
No that was just an illusion.
Lord Beelzebub
Welp peace through power, kids. I'm out.
Miracle
Son of a bitch!
FIN!
Credits
Cast
In order of Appearance
Lord Beelzebub
Shai
Luca Valentine
Aircano Elders
Miracle
Jesus Christ
Distant Flame
Angel #1
Angel #2
Writing Staff
Ayen
Zira Firestone
Alexis Malaware
References
The Sound of Music
The Exorcist
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Metal Gear Solid
Command & Conquer
Congratulations! You passed the test!
Miracle
What?
Angel #2
Yes it was all just a test of your faith and you passed with flying colors.
Miracle
What the hell!?
Angel #1
No that was just an illusion.
Lord Beelzebub
Welp peace through power, kids. I'm out.
Miracle
Son of a bitch!
FIN!
Credits
Cast
In order of Appearance
Lord Beelzebub
Shai
Luca Valentine
Aircano Elders
Miracle
Jesus Christ
Distant Flame
Angel #1
Angel #2
Writing Staff
Ayen
Zira Firestone
Alexis Malaware
References
The Sound of Music
The Exorcist
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Metal Gear Solid
Command & Conquer
