Jherrazad Lives!

[Ayen]

Let's see here: under my rulership I have successfully ended crime and now 94% of my people die of old age while only 2% and 4% die from acts of God and Cancer. I'd say those are pretty good statistics if I do say so myself. Take that, America!

10 hours ago: Following new legislation in Jherrazad, political activists are routinely executed.

Oh, and some people are killed by the government, but that's beside the point! ... I could really use a distraction right about now.

Children as young as eight have been spotted gambling in some of Jherrazad's seedier casinos.

Finally! You actually show up when I ne--- children as young as eight have been spotted gambling!? My, my, kids really do grow up fast, don't they?

1. Social activist Efthamia Yeats is outraged. "Gambling needs to be outlawed immediately. It's no wonder children are becoming sucked into the vice, with adults setting such a poor example. Gambling is a stain on Jherrazad's international reputation and it must be stopped!"

How typical. One thing goes wrong somewhere and you want to punish everyone that's involved by banning it.

2. However, Crown Casino chairperson Roger Mombota says, "What's wrong with children gambling? It prepares them for the realities of life, teaching them that success or failure is not due to hard work or intelligence, but the roll of the dice. Besides, if kids weren't gambling, they'd be spraypainting trains."

I got a better idea.

The government is preparing to dismiss this issue.

[Ayen]

*Tweets* "I am the greatest ruler of all time! #JherrazadRules!"

Why isn't this trending worldwide yet?

A group of emergency room doctors has petitioned the government to introduce mandatory organ donations.

That's very nice but it doesn't exactly answer my--- oh crap it's another issue!

1. "It's not as crazy as it sounds," says Dr. Pete Nagasawa. "Every day, people die because we don't have the organs to save them. Well, that and widespread under-funding of the health system. But the point is, if the government allowed us to take organs from dead people, we could save hundreds of lives a year. And come on, it's not like dead people need them."

2. "You keep your damn hands off my organs!" says alarmed hospital patient Pete Washington. "They are my organs, and I'll do with them what I like. The government has no right to my body."

There's a lot of Petes today... Well, Mr. Washington, I regret to inform you that I DO have rights to your body and if it will save lives than the ends justify the means. So shall it be written... so shall it be done!

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 1.

I could really use an assistant. ...! *gets on the phone* Billy-Bob Peters, you insufferable waste of fresh air, listen up and listen good!

To Be Continued!

[Ayen]

Billy-Bob Peters: Sir, your new Personal Assistant is on the way up.

Well it's about time! *turns off speaker phone*

Personal Assistant: Good morning, Emperor. It is a pleasure to finally meet you in person.

Well yes good morning to you---

*jaw drops*

Personal Assistant: I took the liberty of picking up your dry cleaning on my way here.

*picks up his jaw*

Y-yes! Very good!

Personal Assistant: Is there anything else I can do you for?

What CAN'T you do me for?

Personal Assistant: Pardon?

Nothing. *drops a pen on the floor by the Personal Assistant* Oops! I seem to have dropped my pen. Will you be a dear and grab that for me.

Personal Assistant: *crouches down while facing the Emperor and picks it up, putting the pen on the desk* Here you go, sir.

DAMN---! I mean, well done.

Due to the recent capture of a foreign terrorist in Jherrazad, high-level military officials want the government to authorize torture to extract information about other terrorist activities.

*scoots the issue away*

So what is your name?

Personal Assistant: Adrian.

Well, Adrian, it's a pleasure to meet you. You can call me Ayen.

Personal Assistant: I do not think that would be appropriate...

Oh don't be silly, I'm the Emperor.

Due to the recent capture of a foreign terrorist in Jherrazad, high-level military officials want the government to authorize torture to extract information about other terrorist activities.

*scoots issue away again*

Where are you from, Adrian?

Adrian: Shouldn't you get that?

Get what?

Due to the recent capture of a foreign terrorist in Jherrazad, high-level military officials want the government to authorize torture to extract information about other terrorist activities.

Oh, oh, right! Yeah I'll get right on that. Could you sit right there for a moment, please?

Adrian: On your desk?

Yes.

Adrian: *sits on the desk* Shouldn't I have my own desk?

Oh we can share a bed.

Adrian: I said desk.

Oh, right. Desk.

Adrian: ...

I should probably take this.

Due to the recent capture of a foreign terrorist in Jherrazad, high-level military officials want the government to authorize torture to extract information about other terrorist activities.

A terrorist? Here? And all this time I thought they were just a myth the Americans created to invade for oil.

1. "Torture is the only way that we can get these idiots to tell us anything," says General Aaron Tan of Jherrazad's special forces division. "After all, violence is the only shared language we have with these scum."

2. "Are you kidding?" states political activist Tobias Patel. "Torture never works. If anything, it should be outlawed. What do we want to become, genocidal maniacs?

We're already genocidal maniacs. Didn't you see the news?

10 hours ago: Jherrazad was reclassified from "Corrupt Dictatorship" to "Psychotic Dictatorship".

Adrian: I don't think you're a psychopath, Ayen.

Ooh, I like the way you say my name. It's all italic and everything. *ahem* Anyways...

3. "There's nothing wrong with torture, but we can't make it too obvious," says Secretary of Defense William Licorish. "How about we simply ask them nicely, and then, if they don't tell us, we kill them? That's better just from the intimidation."

Jeez leave it to my people to take all the fun out of torture. Just waterboard him!

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 1.

So, Adrian, what did you do before becoming a personal assistant?

Adrian: I was a dancer at a gentlemen's club.

Excellent!

[Ayen]

Adrian: *through speaker phone* Emperor, I have a new issue the public wishes you to address. Should I send it up?

Now, now, Adrian, what did I tell you to call me?

Adrian: Ayen.

That's better. Go on ahead with the issue.

Adrian: Oh and I've been meaning to ask you how do you like your coffee?

Eh, I don't like coffee.

Adrian: Tea?

No.

Adrian: Well what would you like to drink?

Dr. Pepper.

Adrian: You want to drink a doctor?

Never mind.

Several major city streets were clogged with bicycles this morning, as the environmental group 'Two Wheels Good, Four Wheels Bad' staged a protest. Several hundred riders ambled through downtown streets, blissfully ignoring the torrent of abuse hurled at them by thousands of motorists running late for work.

Respect.

1. "People are sick of dirty, smelly automobiles," said protest organizer May Jefferson. "They're choking the city, the environment--our lives! Cars must be banned!"

2. "The only thing people are sick of is long-haired idiots riding their bicycles at two miles an hour on major thoroughfares," says committed motorist Jacob Singh. "People shouldn't be able to protest like this. The government needs to crack down on them."

3. The Automotive Manufacturers Association, meanwhile, has called for government support. "It's clear that we need to boost the level of automobile support in this country. This protest this morning is a clear indication of... um... anyway, we need more government funds."

People, I track your movements 24/7 and torture suspected criminals for fun. Don't waste my time.

The government is preparing to dismiss this issue.

Adrian: *through speaker phone* I had to pull some strings and perform a couple of lap dances but I was able to get you an appointment with Dr. Pepper for tomorrow at 2PM.

What!?

[Ayen]

Adrian: *gives the Emperor a shoulder massage in his chair* How do you feel?

Soooooooooooooooooooo goooooooooooooooooooooood!

Adrian: I'm glad. You have so much tension in your shoulders.

That's not the only place I have tension...

Adrian: What was that?

A small religious group is lobbying the government to allow them to take multiple wives.

Issue!

1. "It's about time we had our religious rights recognized," says Mia Zhimo, a devout member of a faith that is never made quite clear. "Who is the government to tell me I can't love more than one woman? The government doesn't know how much of me there is to go around!"

Nor do we want to know...

2. This is nothing more than sexual deviants using religion as a pretext for perversion!" says Reverend Finlay Hendrikson. "Marriage is one man, one woman, and death do we part. What's so hard to get? Anything else is a perversion, and must be banned."

Considering all the other things religion has been used for I'd say this is pretty tame.

3. "Multiple wives? Excellent!" says passer-by Charles Silk. "Presumably we will allow multiple husbands, as well. And gay marriages, of course. In fact, now is probably the time for the government to butt out of marriage altogether. Let people marry their cats, if they want."

... Why not?

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 3.

[Ayen]

All right, no more beating around the bush. Today I ask Adrian out to dinner. Why would she say no to me? I'm the Emperor.

Adrian: Ayen, I have something I wanted to ask you.

Oh what a coincidence, I have something to ask you too. Ladies first.

Adrian: I was wondering if I could get some time off.

For what?

Adrian: Me and Spot are getting married! *holds up a small dog* Say hello, Spot!

Spot: Woof!

Perhaps I shouldn't have gone with option three...

A group of Greenpeace protesters have called for an end to a government proposal to begin damming rivers in Jherrazad to increase water supplies and generate power.

1. "Don't build dams!" shouts protestor Roxanne Han through a microphone heavily afflicted with feedback. "Do you know how many fish die in other dams in our region each year? Have you heard of the adverse effects building a dam has on the surrounding environment? Dam up this flood of dams, damn it!"

I don't think you said damn enough...

"Think before you open your mouth," says engineer Virginia Malik. "While Jherrazad may have to pay the price in animal diversity, as well as adverse effects on the environment, do we really want fossil-fuel based plants polluting Jherrazad? If you use your common sense, I think you'll find that damming some rivers would be a good idea. Plus, think of how much the economy would benefit from all the jobs these projects would create."

Yes, how is our economy?

38/100

Looks like it gone up some recently. All right, Mr. Malik, if you think this will help then you may have your dams but be forewarned, if our economy numbers don't improve IT WILL BE YOUR HEAD! But no pressure.

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 2.

Adrian: Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? *gasp* You are! Yes you are!

Spot: Woof!

I think I'm going to be sick...

[Ayen]

What the hell is that noise?

A group several thousands strong hailing from a remote, isolated corner of Jherrazad is staging a massive demonstration on the front steps of your capitol. They demand that their local dialect be recognized as an official language.

*turns on the speaker on his phone* Adrian, be a dear and fetch me my gun.

1. Falala Patel, your Minister of Culture, has nothing but disdain for the demonstrators. "The language of Jherrazad is as important to our national identity as our history is. A truly erudite individual uses perfect grammar and refuses to speak as those ruffians do." Your Finance Minister is quick to chime in as well, "If business is required to print every road sign, instruction manual, and fast-food wrapper in two languages, it would increase everybody's overhead. That means higher prices for the person in the street."

2. "Smarker, but ee's gone blongie 'round the clonger! Trandy in the blang warked a newtie on the Cheebers, quaff me a duggle if it's brine. Sorky, hang our trandy high!" says Xu Winters, speaking for the demonstrators, in an apparently rousing response that draws a cascade of cheers. After a few uncomfortable minutes with a professional translator, you find the speaker said, "I respectfully disagree with the Minister. Multilingualism has brought stability to richly-cultured nations such as Brancaland; indeed, I challenge you to provide a single counterexample. I encourage this government to adopt a policy of multilingualism throughout Jherrazad!"

That's a language? It's just jiberish! You want me to legalize jiberish!

3. Barack Rubin, a radical opposition member who seems to tag along to every demonstration she can find, has her own proposal. "The language barrier is keeping us all apart. What Jherrazad needs is a new identity defined by a new language that we can all agree on. That's unity without favoritism."

Adrian: Here's your gun.

Thank you! *takes rifle and shoots Barack dead and then runs over to the window and starts shooting at the demonstrators* Take that, you hooligans! Why don't you get a job!? *shoots at them some more before sitting back down at his chair*

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 1.

[Ayen]

*Watches Underworld Awakening* Go, Selene! Kick his ass!

After a recent spate of high-profile lawsuits against corporations concerning the safety of their products, corporations have appealed to the government to change the laws of compensation.

No! Get lost! Can't you see I'm trying to watch a movie here?

After a recent spate of high-profile lawsuits against corporations concerning the safety of their products, corporations have appealed to the government to change the laws of compensation.

DAMN! All right, fine. But hurry it up!

1. "It's crazy!" cries Thomas Levy, CEO of Sharp 'n' Pointy Things Incorporated. "These people should simply not be allowed to put the blame on us if they mindlessly abuse our products! I'd have thought it would be common sense not to stick your hand in a blender to 'see if it was working properly'. We need to outlaw these ridiculous lawsuits so I can get on with my business and those working in the law profession can get on with theirs."

And I can get on with my movie.

2. "I'm almost inclined to agree," muses Maria Cohen, a nearby firefighter. "People really should know better than to dry their cats in the microwave oven. But it's also that microwave oven that should not start a fire if one leaves it running overnight. Let's just put higher national safety standards in place that all products must be certified to meet. The extra expense shouldn't worry people if it's the difference between life and death after all."

Bet that would make an interesting game of Clue, "Aha! It was the microwave oven in the kitchen with a knife!"

3. "There's nothing wrong with victims getting a little money for the damage they've suffered," claims Jean-Paul Chandra, Jherrazad's most notorious lawyer. "In fact we should be increasing court capacities so everyone with a complaint to file won't have to wait long before they can get before a judge. Sure it'll be expensive to implement, but maybe then the manufacturers will think twice before selling their unsafe junk without explaining things clearly in the manuals!"

Blah, blah, blah. Here's my decision.

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 1.

Now I can get back to my movie. *looks to see the credits were already rolling* No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! *cries* You bastards made me miss the climax!

[Ayen]

*smokes* She packed my bags last night. Pre-flight. Zero hour 9am. And I'm gonna be... high as a kite by then.

Recent reports revealing that the dental health of Jherrazad is far below the regional average have ignited a fierce debate over whether to introduce fluoride to the nation's tap water reserves.

Oh for the love of---! Can't I ever finish anything!?

Recent reports revealing that the dental health of Jherrazad is far below the regional average have ignited a fierce debate over whether to introduce fluoride to the nation's tap water reserves.

Yeah, yeah, just get on with it.

1. "Fluoride has been shown time and time again to promote dental health," argues Dr. Edwin Namel, Chairman of 'Friends of The Teeth'. "It's not an experimental drug for heaven's sake, it's an accepted method of promoting national good health. A nationwide program for the fluoridation of drinking water should not be seen as optional - it's a no-brainer for any sensible government. We need to implement this now, whether the public want it or not."

That's right... *hides the chemicals with "experimental drug" labels on them* no experiments going on here. None at all.

2. "I am strongly against this proposal!" rages Hillary Han, one of the more vociferous members of the Jherrazad Green Society. "When I turn on the water tap I expect to get just that. Water. Nothing else. We are not lab rats and it is not the government's place to force us into taking these chemicals! In fact I reckon we should put the brakes on all these new chemicals doctors keep pumping into people and give us the right to say no!"

3. "There's no need to go to either extreme," says Akira Obama, your personal dentist. "It's all about, um, choice. Here's a nice alternative: why not just have clean non-fluorinated drinking water and give more funds to dentists? If we had enough money, we could make all dental care absolutely free! It will be demanding on the taxpayers I know, but they'll surely be happy when they all have sparkling white teeth!"

*takes another smoke* You know what I think? *starts singing and dancing* I think it's gonna be a long long time. Till touch down brings me round again to find. I'm not the man they think I am at home. Oh no no no I'm a rocket man! Rocket man! Burning out his fuse up here alone.

And I think it's gonna be a long long time. Till touch down brings me round again to find. I'm not the man they think I am at home. Oh no. No! No! I'm a rocket man!

And all this science I don't understand-- It's just my job every day of the week, it is. Rocket man.

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 2.

Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact it's cold as hell. Yes it is... *takes another puff of smoke*

[Ayen]

*watches the Jacksonville, Florida GOP debate on CNN* And people say I'm crazy...

A top fertility clinic has recently announced a new service allowing parents to create so-called 'designer babies'.

For once you actually have my interest. Go on.

1. "Embryo selection isn't really genetic engineering in the technical sense," explains Dr. Rosalia Bush, owner of the Babies-2-Go Clinic. "It's more like being able to have a dozen abortions per month until you get the foetus you desire. I can't really see what's wrong with parents who can afford it being able to eliminate foetuses with undesirable genetic traits - like stupidity."

Where have you been all my life!?

2. "Thou shalt pay for thy sins!" screams Hope Love, waving a crucifix. "This is just meddling with the sanctity of life. If these children are to be born with horrible defects then it's God's will and who are we to question it? This technology must be banned at once!"

Hope... Love...? Next you're going to tell me his middle name is "Faith."

3. "This technology shows promise," muses Johann Washington, minister of health. "But we can't trust the private sector with the future of our nation's children. We must place it under strict government regulation, so that we only screen out embryos with serious genetic conditions."

Hmm... good point, good point.

4. "This has got me thinkin'," says General Randy Licorish, thumbing through a big folder marked 'X'. "If this technology lets us reduce genetic defects, then couldn't it work the other way? We could create ourselves an army of genetically superior soldiers! With our army of Super Soldiers, no nation would dare stand in our way!"

...! BRING ON THE SUPER SOLDIERS!

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 4.

[Ayen]

*attending a reading of the will for a supporter that passed away*

Spot: Woof!

Adrian, control your husband!

Adrian: I'm sorry he's just a cranky poo.

Ah, poor Doyle Kabot. Didn't know that much about him personally but man did he ever give me a lot of money. And women. He was very generous on the money and the women.

Paul De Gold II: Here before me is the last will and testament of Sir Doyle Kabot, "To my humble Emperor who's wisdom has led us as a nation through thick and thin in the good times and bad I leave a great sizable plot of land---"

WooHoo!

Paul De Gold II: "Under the condition that you turn it into a colosseum for hosting gladiatorial fights and other bloody spectacles."

What?

"Yes, yes!" cries Peggy Utopia, waving a wooden sword enthusiastically. "You've gotta do this, man! Gladiator fights are like the ultimate in spectator sports! And it doesn't just have to be people! We could pit man against raven! Blade against claw! Nothing to their names but their wits and their stamina! You'd have to pay people a lot to risk their lives doing this but I bet you'd earn a whole lot more from merchandise and wagers and stuff!"

Oh, God, this is an issue, isn't it?

Adrian: I'm scared!

"That's just sick," says Lars Jherrazad, president of the Kill Violence Now Association. "I don't believe you'd find anyone willing to watch actual people tearing each other apart. It's savage and horrible! It's even worse than boxing! Violent sports should be outlawed for the sake of this country's moral integrity. I'm sorry, I've got to go - I'm ashamed you're even considering this."

What moral integrity? Yeah just keep walking away buddy!

"Actually, we could use this to our advantage," whispers Chief of Police, Billy Tan. "Why not just force convicted criminals to fight for the amusement of the public? They'll be paying for their crimes, contributing to society, and totally freeing us of having to build jails to throw their useless hides in!"

That is the greatest idea I've heard since Super Soldiers. TO THE COLOSSEUM!

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 3.