Jherrazad Lives!

[Ayen]

In Nation States! Which would make me Emperor Ayen!

I haven't been Emperor for even ten minutes and already I have four issues at my doorstep. Let see here...

Should Democracy Be Compulsory?
Uranium Deposit Promises To Enrich Jherrazad
Beef-Based Agriculture Workers Strike!
Military Demands Increased Spending

Oh, Jesus Christ, the military wants more money already!?

I'll go with Uranium for 200, Alex.

The Issue
Prospecting company Nukes4U has uncovered a large uranium deposit in Jherrazad's south-west.

lol Nukes4U.

The Debate
1. "This is a terrific find!" claims Nukes4U CEO Samuel Fellow. "It will provide an enormous stimulus to our economy and create thousands of new jobs. It's win-win! All we need from the government is permission to bulldoze the rainforest that's on top of the deposit."

2. "You've got to be kidding," says Green politician Billy-Bob Dredd. "This rainforest is thousands of years old! This country needs more environmental protection, not less. And to destroy the environment in order to mine uranium that then goes into nuclear bombs--well, that really sticks in my craw."

3. "There's no need for an either-or decision," says the government's Minister for Mining, Clear-Felling, and the Environment. "We can preserve most of the rainforest and allow mining of a small part. After all, think of all the good that the money from this uranium deposit can bring to Jherrazad."

Well if South Park has taught us anything it's that, "Saving the rainforest is totally gay!" *selects the first option*

Now what is this Beef nonsense all about?

The Issue

Workers across the nation have gone out on indefinite strike over what they claim are substandard wages in the Beef-Based Agriculture industry.

The Debate
1. "We are the backbone of this country, and we demand a fair wage rise!" says union leader William Chandra. "I don't think a 20% increase over two years is too much to ask. Unless the government forces employers to give us our due, we'll shut this whole industry down! Let's see how well Jherrazad's economy manages without any Beef-Based Agriculture, huh?"

NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOT OUR BEEF-BASED AGRICULTURE!

2. "We pay our employees very generous wages," says employer representative Ali Bronte. "Especially when you consider that without us, they'd be OUT ON THE STREET. Hear that, you scumbags? OUT ON THE STREET! Anyway, my point is, if you cave in, you make our entire industry uncompetitive. You can't do that in the global marketplace. It'll hurt the whole country. The best solution, economically speaking, would be to relax industrial laws and allow us to fire troublemakers on the spot."

I think the best thing to do is to ignore the problem until it goes away.

*dismisses* Now... about voting?

The Issue

In response to a slow news week, certain highbrow newspapers have stirred up the debate over voluntary vs compulsory voting.

Slow news week, my ass.

The Debate
1. "Compulsory voting makes about as much sense as having the death penalty for attempted suicide," says civil rights activist Jack Tan. "You can't force people to be free! You can only give them the choice. Besides, if all those derelicts who can't be bothered to get off their butts once every few years voted, who would they elect? I shudder to think."

2. "It's not contradictory at all," argues political commentator Hack Dubois. "The fact is, if not everyone votes, the outcome isn't truly representative. Some groups--like elderly gun nuts--vote more often than others. That's why we always end up with such terrible politicians."

3. "This raises an interesting issue," says Billy-Bob Peters, your brother. "And that is: why do we need elections, anyway? Seems to me it would be much simpler if you just decided what was right, and did it. Wouldn't that save everyone a lot of time?"

I have a brother named Billy-Bob Peters? You ain't taking over when I die. That said, I'm guessing there was a part of "Emperor" these people missed. Number 3 it is! Now, to see how much the military wants this time.

The Issue

The Department of Defense has put its case for a substantial increase in funding for the coming financial year.

The Debate

1. "These are turbulent times we live in," says Defense Chief Samuel Goethe. "Turbulent and dangerous. And the only sensible response to that, of course, is to build a lot more weapons. Unless we get the funding we need, I can't promise that we'll be able to defend Jherrazad's sovereign borders from rogue nations and foreign powers. Or those leaky boatloads of refugees, for that matter."

2. "NO MORE BOMBS," chant the protestors outside Parliament House, in a repetitious and increasingly annoying appeal. Spokesperson Billy-Bob Mombota, speaking through a feedback-afflicted microphone, says, "Jherrazad needs fewer weapons, not more! Make the world a safer place! Disarm now!"

What is with everyone being named Billy-Bob!? Why you increasingly annoying protesters I'm going to go find something to strike you with!

*choose option 1*

All in a day's work.

P.S
Email me warnings of impending apocalypses
LOL!

[Clash]

[Ayen]

Yawn! Another beautiful morning. Let see what's in the news today.

7 hours ago: Jherrazad was reclassified from "Democratic Socialists" to "Corrupt Dictatorship".

YEAH! Corrupt Dictatorship! Let see what the leading cause of death is.

5% Acts of God, 14% Murder, 20% Heart Disease and 62% Old Age. I guess God must really be slacking off. Wait a minute... 5 + 14 + ... that's 101. What the hell, man!? *throws away pie chart* All right let see what silly thing they brought to my desk this morning.

Cheap, foreign-made cars are becoming increasingly popular, causing concern in Jherrazad's automobile manufacturing industry.

1. "Unless this government does something, Jherrazad won't have an auto industry for much longer," says auto industry union boss Roxanne Lee, in a rare public appearance alongside management. "These foreign companies employ people for a few gills a day. The only way to level the playing field is to raise tariffs. The government would make more money, too, so it's win-win."

2. "For once, I agree with my grubby colleague here," says General Chassis CEO Cooper Usman. "Although I have to say, tariffs aren't the only answer. A more effective solution would be to abolish minimum wage laws. Now that would level the playing field. And we'd be able to employ more--argh, let go of my throat!"

3. "I think we need to face facts," says noted economist and chat-show regular Beth Harishchandra. "We live in a global economy now, and automobile manufacturing just isn't Jherrazad's strong suit. There's no point taking money from taxpayers in order to line the pockets of a few greedy workers and corrupt managers in a doomed industry. Let the market take its--argh, let go of my throat!"

Billy-Bob Peters, will you find whoever the hell keep trying to strangle people and behead them for me while I look up tariffs? Thanks.

a : a schedule of duties imposed by a government on imported or in some countries exported goods
Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Oh. Sure, why not?

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 1.

And fire whoever the hell are doing these pie charts!

[Ayen]

Billy-Bob Peters: Emperor!

What!?

Billy-Bob Peters: We have to talk about the budget!

Ugh...

It's time for the government to allocate spending for the coming year, and as always, special interest groups are keen to have their say.

1. "The state of the education system is, in many areas, simply frightful," says Teachers Union leader Maria Mombota. "And even where we are doing well, we could do better. I appeal to the authorities for a substantial boost in funding. Remember, the children are our future."

Especially my children. Remember my son/daughter will one day be your future Emperor/Empress. Speaking of which how are we doing on those Asian ladies?

2. "We won't have a future unless we improve police numbers and rebuild the military," says General Jean-Paul de Vries. "Oh, it's all well and good to have your fancy education and your nice cars, until some tinpot dictatorship decides to invade. And don't pretend like there aren't any of them in our region. Our number one priority has to be security."

Anyone else see the irony?

3. "Education is nice, but Health and Social Welfare are more important," says celebrity social worker Jazz Johnson. "This is where the people who really need government help are: the marginalized of our society. If we don't help them, what kind of a nation are we?"

Jazz Johnson said that?

4. "Hey, I've got a crazy idea," says noted libertarian and bird-watcher Freddy Fellow. "How about the government stops taking so much tax from people? Give us a tax cut and we'll buy the things we need ourselves. People need to be weaned off the government teat!"

Arrest Freddy for treason.

Billy-Bob Peters: All right but what about the budget?

Huh? Oh right that. Give it to the schools.

Billy-Bob Peters: Seriously?

The increase of stupid people in my country makes me think we need it.

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 1.

[Ayen]

The following post is brought to you by SOPA who wishes to censor the Internet in a poor attempt to stop Online Piracy

Priest: And that's the Holy Trinity.

Yeah can you explain the Holy Ghost role again? That's what always confuse me.

Priest: Well you see---

Hold on, Priest, I got a new deal to put into law.

A recent poll has revealed high levels of dissatisfaction among the populace about tax rates.

A recent poll? What have you been telling them, statistics!?

1. "Do you know how much of my year's work goes to the government?" demanded angry worker Buffy Chicago. "Too much! Government spending has gotten way out of control. It needs big cuts in welfare, health, and education. But leave those subsidies to business alone. We need them to create jobs."

Buffy? Buffy Chicago? Really? Well I guess she couldn't stay in Sunnydale after blowing it up but your last name is Chicago?

2. "It's not the AMOUNT of tax, it's where the burden falls," says student activist Fleur Bronte. "And at the moment, far too much of the burden is falling on the poor. People on high incomes still have more money than people on low incomes. I don't think I need to say anything more than that."

3. "I don't object to the amount of tax, I object to where it's being spent," says social reformer Gregory Peters. "I'd like to see everyone have a choice as to where their gills go every time they fill out a tax return. Everyone would feel a lot better about opening their wallets if they had a say as to where the money went. I think you'd see a lot more public money going to education and a lot less to business."

I'm already giving money to Education, you fool! You want the rich to be taxed? Then by gawd, the rich shall be taxed!

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 2.

Now where were we? Oh yes you were telling me about Zordon.

Priest: The Holy Ghost!

Same thing.

[Ayen]

Today I can have cheese burger. Uh ooh, uh ooh! Today I can have cheese burger. Uh ooh, uh ooh!

As crime rates rise, some in the community are calling for increased policing.

CRAP!

1. "Just the other day, I got mugged in the broad daylight!" says ruffian Efthamia Smith. "And the ironic thing is I had just stuck up this other guy. When muggers are getting mugged, even I have to admit that crime has gotten out of control. We do need more police."

Ouch!

2. "The solution to crime is not more police!" says noted sociologist and occasional crime novelist Johann O'Bannon. "Studies repeatedly show that crime is caused by poverty and poor education. Increase government spending in these areas, and crime will fall! Maybe not overnight, but it will happen."

You hear that, everyone? Crime is caused by poor people.

3. "Yeah, good luck with that," says conservative leader and gun enthusiast Stephanie Dredd. "Look, we do need more police, that's clear. But that's not enough. We need real punishments: sentences that will act as a genuine deterrent to people considering a life of crime. Like public floggings."

Ooh I like you. I'm going to rename you Stephanie McMahon and make you my wife. Now into my chambers I'll be in in a minute.

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 3.

[Alex]

I fear for your people.

[Ayen]

*sleeps peacefully*

A loose coalition of sartorially-challenged individuals known as "Let It All Hang Out" has called on the government to relax public nudity laws.

Huh, what?

1. "For too long, our bodies have been trapped in these prisons of cotton and polyester!" yelled protester Colin Eliot, while apparently developing a nasty case of sunburn. "We must repeal the puritanical laws that make public nudity a crime. My body--my choice to dangle!"

You woke me up for this?

2. "I agree," mused sociology professor Colin Dredd. "But I don't think the protestors are going far enough. Public nudity shouldn't be an option: it should be compulsory. Nudity is highly liberating. And it would put that disgusting "Hooters" out of business once and for all."

Are you people high?

3. "Whoa, whoa," says noted accountant Colin Fellow. "Are these people serious? The last thing I want to see when I'm out for a coffee is some lumbering, over-weight nudist coming down the sidewalk toward me. If people want to get naked, they can do it in the privacy of their own homes. Think of the children!"

You guys aren't getting enough entertainment, are you? Here...

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 3.

Now I'm going back to sleep. Wake me up again for such a ridiculous issue and you'll be flogged! Goodnight.

[Ayen]

What a beautiful day... to play Pacman!

*starts playing Pacman*

Hospitals have requested that they be allowed to pay people for donating blood and other bodily organs, such as kidneys.

Can this wait until after I play Pacman?

Hospitals have requested that they be allowed to pay people for donating blood and other bodily organs, such as kidneys.

You're not going to let me play Pacman until I address you, aren't you?

Hospitals have requested that they be allowed to pay people for donating blood and other bodily organs, such as kidneys.

All right fine!

1. "We remain critically short of blood plasma and various organs," says Jherrazad One hospital administrator Max O'Bannon. "Especially hearts. A good heart is hard to find. But if we were allowed to pay for donations, we'd get more of them and could save more lives. Plus the donor takes home a few hundred gills in compensation. Unless it's a post-mortem donation, of course. In that case we'd pay the family."

Wow... that's the first reasonable thing I heard anyone in this country say.

2. "Great idea," says social commentator Miranda Hendrikson. "Except for one thing. You know who's going to be selling their organs? Poor people! They'll be so desperate for money that they'll sell their own kidneys. Well, a kidney. This is just another way for the rich to buy themselves a better life at the expense of the poor. It must be outlawed."

Yes, Research & Development? I'd like you to build a giant Pacman that can eat people. Okay, thanks. *hangs up* Now where was I? Oh yeah.

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 1.

*goes back to playing Pacman*

Soon, my pet. Soon!

[Ayen]

*dresses up an Asian like Yuna*

Now let make a baby!

The Police department is considering installing surveillance cameras in all major public areas, in an effort to crack down on crime.

Hold on one minute, babe.

1. "This is a blatant invasion of the right to privacy!" says libertarian web site operator May Usman. "Now I can't even go out in public any more without being watched? And you know this is just the beginning. Today there are cameras in city streets. Tomorrow they're peering through your bedroom window."

Well we wouldn't be that obvious. We'd plant bugs on you while you least expect it.

2. "Hey, I've got news for you," says Police media liaison Anne-Marie Pushkin. "When you're out in public, PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU. These cameras will be extremely helpful in reducing the national crime rate. Frankly, I can't see what the fuss is about."

3. "This 'slippery slope' argument has got me thinking," says Police Minister Aaron Zhimo. "You know, it would be a lot easier to fight crime if we watched people all the time. Not with cameras, of course. That's clearly an invasion of privacy. But how about a national database of our citizens, coupled with compulsory ID cards and barcoding? It would stop crime dead in its tracks."

Hmm... security cameras or national database. Security cameras. National database. Security cameras. National database. ... National database!

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 3.

Now, where were we?

*Asian woman is tied up and gagged and has been trying to free herself*

[Ayen]

Ooh the Jherrazad Leader. Let's see what they have to report today.

The latest "Harry Potter" book to hit schools across Jherrazad has stirred up the greatest controversy yet.

Seriously?

1. "I quite enjoyed the book, until I got to the part where Harry summons evil demons to do his bidding," says religious leader Finlay McAlpin. "Now that's just wrong. We need to restore some sense to this debate, by which I mean we should remove this book from the shelves, salt it thoroughly, and burn it."

2. Teachers union President Prudence Frederickson says, "Come on, the book is fantasy! And it's a damn good read. I'd like the government to issue a statement of support for our teachers and librarians, so kids can enjoy good books without interference from religious wackos, like Christians."

Sorry, Finlay, gotta agree with Frederickson on this one. Come back if you ever want to burn the Twilight books. We'll do lunch.

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 2.

[Ayen]

Time to see Underworld Awake---

Scientists using cloned human embryos for research are on the verge of a medical breakthrough.

Or not.

1. "It's really very exciting," says lab head Chastity du Pont. "Until now, we've kept very quiet, to avoid being targeted by lunatic fringe groups who for some reason think it's wrong to clone human embryos. It's too early to promise anything, but we hope that one day we will have genetic cures for a whole range of debilitating illnesses. I certainly hope the government will support our work."

That depends. Would I be able to clone myself and have the clone do all my work?

2. "Well, if you have to be part of a lunatic fringe group to object to this barbaric practice, I'm a lunatic," says placard-waving protestor William Dimitrov. "Of course it would be nice to cure these unnamed diseases, but at what cost? They're messing with the sanctity of human life. It's wrong, and the lab should be shut down immediately."

Messing with the sanctity of human life, you say...

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 1.

And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need

*dances away*

[Ayen]

Huh? Where's my snack packs?

The increasingly militant Animal Liberation Front struck again last night, freeing dozens of chickens bound for delicious snack packs.

I should have known...

1. "These nuts have got to be stopped," demands concerned consumer Faith Gutenberg. "They need to face the fact people want snack packs, no matter how many innocent chickens must be sacrificed. Besides, chickens would do the same to us if they had the chance."

Somehow, I doubt it.

2. "These Liberationists are highlighting an important issue," pleads Cooper Love. "Too often, animals are put through needless cruelty, just to make their flesh taste a little more deliciously succulent. I'm sure we could ban the more horrific abuses without putting too much of a dent in our national obesity figures. Couldn't we?"

3. "Animals have feelings too!" yelled protestor Emily Mistletoe, before being set upon by hungry passers-by. "Free the animals! Ban meat-eating!"

Oh great, one of those. OFF WITH HER HEAD! I always wanted to say that.

4. Economist Larry Laine has an alternative. "You don't need to take away the people's right to choose. You just need to build the costs of animal suffering into the price. A tax on meat-eating, in proportion to the amount of cruelty involved, would do the trick. Plus think of the benefit for the national coffers! Of course, poor people wouldn't be able to afford meat, but that's just more incentive for them to get jobs."

Now you listen here, Larry Laine, I may be corrupted, I may be bringing our national animal the raven to the brink of extinction in favor of mining for Uraniu to use to build more nuclear weapons, I may have poor people have to sell their own kidney to pay their way through college, and I may flog people in public and track my citizens movements but I will never, and I mean NEVER deny people their meat! In the immortal words of Montgomery Burns, release the hounds!

*A bunch of man-eating rabid dogs come out of nowhere and rips Larry apart*

Excellent!

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 2.

[Ayen]

8 hours ago: Following new legislation in Jherrazad, meat-eating is frowned upon.

Which only makes the meat taste more delicious *noms on meat*

It's time for the government to hire a new religious advisor.

We have RELIGION in this country!?

Your people have narrowed down the candidates to:

1. Catholic Archbishop Bruce Yeats: boasts an excellent track record, having rapidly increased church attendances in his constituencies through the "Reaching God Through Guilt" program. Seen as a solid choice.

Sounds like just about every other Catholic out there.

2. New Age thinker Virginia Mombota: a left-field candidate with some radical ideas. "For me, it's not about the name of your religion. It's about discovering your spirituality in whatever guise that takes. Some people call that a cult: I call it taking spirituality to the people."

Hmm... I like you.

3. Finally, there's Falala Chicago. "If I am awarded the appointment, I will immediately resign," the ex-schoolteacher has declared. "Because, frankly, God is a big load of hokey. I'll be doing everyone a favor by just shutting up about it."

It's down to 2 and 3. Tough one but luckily there's a process I go through when it comes to making the tough decisions, a process that weighs the pros and cons of both choices and makes the decision that much easier.

*holds out coin*

Heads the cult guy gets it, tails the atheist does.

*flips*

Tails! Say goodbye to your god!

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 3.

[Ayen]

Let's see what's on the agenda today.

People Request Not So Much Dictatorship, If That's All Right

Oh, this is going to be good.

While effusively praising Jherrazad's leadership and bowing repeatedly, a delegation has humbly requested that the government take a more "modernistic" view in the future.

1. The High Minister for Finance, who also happens to be your brother, dismisses the claim. "What these people fail to realize is that you know what's best for them. The alternative is anarchy! I say stick to your course. And execute these wackos for treason."

Billy-Bob Peters, since when were you the High Minister for Finance? I must have missed that meeting.

2. "Perhaps the people could be given some more political freedoms," muses your Chief of Staff, who is your sister. "Is there really such harm in allowing public discussion of ideas? We could even have a real Opposition Party. One that isn't just full of your puppets, I mean."

I have a sister? Since when? Well what does she look like?

AHH! What kind of messed up gene pool was I born into? Don't eat me!

Ayen's sister: *leaves*

Good, she's gone.

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 1.